Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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