can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
