I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
