dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
