we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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