Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
