I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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