is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
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