The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
