I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
so let's talk penis.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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