I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
