A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
