Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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