She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You were trust falling into bushes
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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