three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
