i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
