Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
