u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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