in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
