Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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