it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
