My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
