she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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