so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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