Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
