I wish I could punch you in the face.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
