I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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