You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
