Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
