hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
