My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
