need another drink. this is the easiest way
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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