At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
