She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
