I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
