I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
