I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
