guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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