Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
she looked like the before picture.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
