goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Randomize
