there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
