I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
