yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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