If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
