I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
