she woke up with a sticky ear
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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