I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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