my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
