i don't like sucking hair
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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