hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
